Wrenches in my spokes

Ah, the messes life throws at us. Aren't they grand! Broken down cars, the kids being sick, the dog needing to go to the vet. You know the problems. The ones that always happen when you least expect it. Yep, that's been the story of my life, especially this week.

This week alone I have had a broken down car, a dog with a bum leg that needs a doctor's help (not a homeopathic mom) and just today came to the realization that I paid one bill twice and another was not paid. That's my fucking life! Never a dull moment let me tell you. Thank god I'm good and juggling bowls and spinning plates. I'm actually getting quite good at it if I do say so myself.

The car situations were rolled over from last week. I thought I had fixed the problem, only for the car to pull the old "I'm not starting" trick on me once again. I know that I have had the car for 10 years (bought new) and it is time for stuff to start breaking down, but this is ridiculous! I had the mechanic just put a new air conditioning pump in it last month, then a new sensor a week or so ago. Then I take a day off work when it breaks down again, put a new alternator and battery in it, take it for an oil change and give it a new air filter. Very next day "I'm broke again. How about you?" Yep, I'm broke allright. The new air conditioning which I have to have in the hot ass Arizona desert cost me $650. The new sensor $160, the alternator $158, the battery $65, air filter $14 and oil change $30. So how much now? $1,077.00 in two months? Isn't that like a car payment for a new car, with a warranty and free oil changes? And yet I had to make arrangements to bum a ride to work once this week and take my hubby to work early so I could take his car another day. Then go back and pick him up after work. WTF?

Now the dog has a bum leg and needs to see a vet. I usually can treat most animal illnesses at home naturally and rarely, if ever, have my dogs been sick or needed 'professional' care. Not this week. Of course, shit always rolls down hill and it has to happen the week everything else does. So he goes tomorrow. Office visit $48, X-Rays (Which I am sure he will need) $160. Treatment? Who knows how much that will cost.

Oh, and did I mention that not only did my car breakdown initially last week AND this week, and the dog is sick, but I also cut my finger with a knife and the dryer took a shit. I spent my Saturday morning going to get another one at a garage sale. Of course that can't go right either. Bring it home and it does not work. For $20 what do I expect? I thought the $20 was at least worth the short trip over there and if it worked, alright then. Thank god the dike bitches that were coming to pick up my old one (for free) offered to fix it for free since I was giving them the old one. And she fixed it! Thank god for dike bitches ay?

Anyway, always with the bad, there is some good. So let me reflect for a moment - Allie got 4 A's and 2 B's on her report card. She bought a beautiful dress (which by the way did I mention I only had to pay 1/2 of this year? Nice boyfriend!) for homecoming this week and we get to watch her cheer at the game this Friday (we missed homecoming last year). Oh! And work has been real busy, so time is flying. Flying so fast our vacation is only a week away!

Yay! There is a light in sight! Get to go visit my Aunty Brini for my birthday next weekend. Four days at a destination we have never been to - Missouri! Yeah, I know, WTF is in Missouri you ask? Well aside from the fact that I have not seen my Aunt in 11 years and she is there....nothing. BUT I have never been to the mid-west nor seen the changing of the seasons and I am hoping to get a good glimpse of that and have something fresh and new to talk and write about. Plus the bonus feature of getting some new scenery to photograph. And Aunt Brini lives right on the Lake of the Ozarks, so we will get to do some fishing and rock hounding all while they have some other planned activities to show us around their little town. It should be fun and I am really looking forward to it.

Man, in looking at this post, all I can think of is these are the makins' of a country song right here. I got the bills, the broke down washer, the dog, some (rock) huntin' and some fishin'. What else is there? Oh...heeheehe...I forgot Mama. And maybe a train.

Hey...that gives me an idea. Maybe I should take the train, because I am tired of getting wrenches thrown in my spokes :)

A lesson in rattlesnakes

Hello! I know, I know...it's been a while. I have had several ideas for posts, but just have not had the motivation to write daily. Too busy!

This post is one I have been wanting to post for a few weeks, but with another "Dumbass of the Day" by yet another member of my family yesterday, I felt it was time to sit down and get r done.

So about a week ago, my husband Will was on a jobsite and stepped out of his truck to survey the scene for a minute. He felt something touch his boot, but thought perhaps it was just that he had kicked something and proceeded to evaluate where he was going to need to be on site. A few minutes later, he felt the tapping on his boot again and looked down to where he was standing. To his surprise, he was being bitten on the steel toe by a little baby rattlesnake!

Thank goodness it was a baby! An adult one may have had the stretch to go higher than the boots and it would have bit right through the pant leg and into the leg, which would have not been good.

He jumped back, reached into the back of his truck to grab his shovel and chopped it's head off. He said he would have left it alone had it of showed no interest in him. But it was attacking him so he had to kill it. He said the little thing was so aggressive that it's head actually turned around and was biting the shovel!

Will brought the little thing home, minus the 4 inches of destroyed head and neck that were destroyed in the beheading. I am reminded of that day every time I open my deep freezer. He froze the damn thing to show us and it scares the hell out of me every time I open the freezer!

Over this past Labor Day weekend, I was telling the story to my two sisters and mother while sitting out by the pool. At a certain point during my story, my sister Traci turned to her son and said "Just remember son, if you are ever get bit by a rattlesnake, pee on it." Commenting to this, my mom says "I don't understand how peeing on the snake is gonna do anything other than piss him off."

I think my sisters and I were wondering what the hell mom had been smoking that afternoon. I then explained to her "No mom, you pee on the wound, not the snake." and then my inner smartass took over: "Hey! This thing just bit me can you pee on it for me?" We all were laughing so hard at her! My poor mom, always the smart one and has to deal with us making fun of her "blonde moments". Of course I told her she was going to get the "Dumbass of the Day" on my blog. It was just too good not to post.

Anyway, for any of you that are interested in a little factual information about snakebites, I have come up with the following:

1. If the area of the bite begins to swell and change color, the snake was probably poisonous.
2. One in four bites are dry bites, which means no venom was injected.
3.You are NOT suppose to cut it with a knife or sharp instrument. Do NOT suck out the venom (this could lead to you becoming poisoned, mouth swelling etc.), do NOT put ice or anything cold on the wounds and do NOT give the person any medication or anything by mouth. DO put a constriction band a few inches above the wound, DO keep the wound below heart level, DO remove anything like rings, watches or bracelets that may become stuck when swelling occurs and DO keep the person calm and get medical care as quickly as possible.
4. Snakes can still bite for an hour after they are dead.
5. As far as urinating on the wound, I could not find anything about this online as far as a snakebite is concerned. I did, however, find and have heard that urinating on a jellyfish sting is an effective method to reduce pain, but I wonder if it works the same with a snake bite? If anyone has ever peed on a snakebite and knows the answer to this question, I would love to know the truth.

One last lesson here - please never forget that mother nature bites, literally. Always be aware of your surroundings and watch your step when you are out and about in wilderness areas. Most importantly, teach your kids about nature and a few of the rules that you follow when visiting natural areas. While mother nature has made some beautiful areas and creatures to be admired, we have to respect these things and realize that they can be dangerous.

Until next time, happy trails...minus the snakebite :)

My Families Quick Wit

Those of you who know my family know that there is truly never a dull moment. We are lucky enough to all have been gifted with a great sense of humor, quick wit and the ability to do as much stabbing at each other as getting stabbed. But by all means, I have to give credit where credit is due. My youngest sister Mandie is the best at it. She has funny shit rolling off her tongue like it was just waiting to escape her mouth. No one can beat her at her own game. Usually that is. Tonight she must have been off her game a bit, because my brother in law Andrew (her husband) got her good with the following conversation:

Mandie: "My watermelon vine that has climbed the fence is growing better than the watermelon vine is that is on the ground. I wonder if watermelons grow better when hanging?"

Drew: "Well your melons seem to grow better when hanging."

I thought that was a pretty good one and just had to share! GOOD ONE DREW!!!

Dumbass of the Day

I had a "Dumbass of the Day" for yesterday that just has to be posted and added to my collection, especially since it was NOT from one of my family members this week.

First, let me say that I now work for an Environmental remediation firm. What that means is that we go in and right the wrongs that have been done or have happened in buildings and in the ground before they demo buildings or build new ones. We remove things like asbestos, lead based paint, mold, rodent shit, sometimes meth labs or stuff like scorpions and all kinds of other hazardous waste.

Always when we give a quote for removal, we ask the caller to send us the reports that are usually generated by various Environmental Consulting firms. In most cases, it is a giant asbestos reports several pages long that talks about what was tested, what was found and in how much quantity as well as having the square footage of the areas tested.

So yesterday I get a call from a guy from Travelers Insurance about the fact that he had gotten a quote from a place for $37,000. He wanted to get another quote and told me that he was not sure that it was correct. He also mentioned that he was not sure if these people even had a license and he told me he really did not care who did the work.

I saw this as an opening to get a potential $20-30,000 job. I proceeded to tell him about our company, that we have been in business 27 years with the same owner and are licensed to do this sort of work in 7 different states, hoping this would prove to be a great selling point for him. I then told him that before I turned anything over to our estimators, I would need to get the asbestos report.

The nice man proceeded to tell me that he could do better than that, he could even send me pictures of the property, the other quote etc. and I told him that would be great and gave him my email address and got his phone number, just in case for some reason I did not receive the report and pictures.

A few hours later when indeed I had not received the email, I called him. My email address actually has a hyphen in it and I was real suprised at what the man told me. "Well," he said, "I am having problems with the whole hyphen thing".

"What's the problem? I asked.

"I don't really know what that is you see. I was not very good at English. I was more of a math person." Being patient and understanding, I told him I could relate because I am most definitely more of and English person and not a math person at all.

So I proceeded to tell him it was a 'dash' and then led him step by step on his computer keyboard via phone, to just between the "0" and the "+/=" keys. Finally our conversation was over and we hung up.

Shortly afterwards, I received the email and there were lots of attachments to it. I opened the first two and found the Travelers reports that he had about the property. I then noticed the rest looked to be photos because they were all .jpg files, but that the asbestos report did not seem to be there.

Before calling the man, I decided I better open every attachment just to make sure that it was not there.

Sure as shit it was. He had actually taken a photo of the report (probably thinking I could read it from that) sitting on his desk! I kid you not, I was laughing so hard. So I emailed him and explained that he would need to scan the report to me. And I received nothing back. Finally I get another email from him, this time he photographed every single friggin page of the report.

Finally, I asked, "Can you fax it to me?", which I just received late this afternoon. Now, I really felt sorry for the poor guy, but I had to wonder to myself, is the man old? Or perhaps does not use the computer much? Maybe blonde?

I vote for the latter choice here. I guess I'd just feel better about calling him a dumbass. I don't really want to because I felt so bad.

It was funny and I just had to share. It was too good not too!

Peace out peeps!

Advertising gone wild

Hello. I know it has been a while since I have blogged. Something I have learned in the past few weeks is that is is really hard to keep up with two blogs, a family, new and old friends, work, home life, vacations and all those other wonderful things that we try to shove into one 24 hour period after the other. Not gonna happen. Everything takes patience, money and a whole lotta time.

Truth is, lately I have had a bit of writers block. Often times I can think of really interesting, fun or exciting things to talk to you all about and then...life happens. I don't write it down, get busy, walk away and *poof*...it's gone like a fart in the wind. Guess I have fallen off the wagon once again and I am still running it down, trying to catch up.

Tonight is no different. I am resurrecting yet one of the subjects that I was going to write about weeks ago. What sparked it to rise to the surface of my brain once again was this - the amount of crazy advertising I have been seeing and hearing all over the place lately. On billboards, in magazine's, on TV and even on the front of packaging at stores. It's every where and the advertising execs and creators have gone nuts. And I mean literally. I think they are doing the man thing and thinking with their balls and not their brains. Either that or all of the higher ups must be gay or swinging both ways these days.

Prime example - did you know when they built Cardinal Stadium a few years back here in Phoenix, they were debating naming it Pink Taco Stadium (don't believe me? click here)? Now how the hell are we suppose to get players to play in Pink Taco Stadium and make us any money? Those poor boys reputations would go to hell, they would be the laughing stock of the football world and the people would not come to watch games at the "Pink Taco". Hell, why don't we get a few bucks from Tampax, Playtex and Johnson and Johson's while we are at it.

On Facebook, I have a photo album that I have named "Here's Yer Sign", meant for the crazy, insane and outrageous signs, ads and other print media that I am forced to witness, decorating my colorful yet intelligent mind. These are the signs that make you go "hmmmm" and wonder just how it is that these crazy ideas made it to market and are making some idiot millions. Maybe I should have gotten less of a brain and more of the dumb so that I could be making millions too.

So, to prove my point, I have a few advertisements and packaging issues that I would like to bring up here.

The other day when I took my daughter to the doctor's, I was waiting in the lobby and looking at the mags on the table. Of course, there were not any good ones so I picked up Men's Fitness and started reading a really good article about adrenaline type vacation trips and various packages that you could purchase including a combination of these wild adventures. You know sky diving, white water rafting, Maco shark fishing type stuff. Interesting, fun, manly outdoor adventures. When I finished the article however, as I continued flipping through the magazine, I was more than a little disturbed at what I saw. I was surprised to see that this magazine did not seem to marketing to that manly kind of man at all. This magazine apparently was looking to hit that market that caters to a 'man's man' of another kind all together.

Take this ad for cologne by Jean Paul Gautier that really caught my eye. The more I stared at it, the more I realized this ad was simply not aimed at a manly man, or me or any other woman who might be looking to purchase her beau something yummy delicious to put on his skin. The guy is handsome for sure, but what are we 12? Do I really like the whole sailor boy outfit? Not really. I think it looks more like a role playing outfit for a gay swinger perhaps. Better yet, he looks like he works in a cheap oriental massage parlor overseas. Wiping your hands off son? Giving your fellow sailor a helping hand while spending time on foreign shores? I mean really, what do you think this ad is saying to our sons and young men in general? All I can say about it is glad I don't have a son.

And let's talk a little about the bottle itself for a minute. Please! It actually has a "package" wrapped beautifully in frosted glass, sticking out so as to say "look at me, I'm down here". And the built frame is sexy, but wearing a cut off striped shirt for god's sake? Didn't the cut off shirt thing go out with the good old 80's? Or has it made it's rounds and been pulled back out of the proverbial "trunk of style" that's been hiding in mama's attic all these years? It looks like something that you would have seen Queen wearing back in the day, and no REAL MAN back then would have been caught dead wearing something you would see on Freddy Mercury.

What happened to the good old west ads of the Marlboro man riding and wranglin' cattle while puffin on a smoke? Or the Lee jeans and Levi ads that had those good old boys riding bucking broncos and bulls? What happened to all the 'real' men' ads that we use to see? The ones that made men sexy, but rough, gentle but tough? Man has life changed a lot since the good old days, and it ain't lookin that good in my eyes.

Flipping further through the ads, I found this next one. Now, funny thing is, my brother in law Sean just got all excited and showed me these shoes that he had just bought for climbing over Memorial Day weekend. I thought they were weird but he was all the rave about how popular they are becoming and how everyone says they work really good.

I am not really sure what kind of image they are trying to portray here, but I am definitely not looking at the shoes. Fact is, my eyes don't even go that far down the page and I couldn't care less (honestly) if he was wearing golden wings on his feet - I would not have noticed. Besides, I don't want him wearing shoes anyway if he is going to be naked. Shoes off when you are in my bed. And this was in a men's mag? Hello? The last time I knew of a man looking at another naked man like this, it was probably in the downtown Phoenix jail where Bubba was probably looking at his crank and wishing it was in this guys ass. Seriously, you could not think of something better to put together along with the "Less shoe, more you" tagline here? Like maybe showing a really crazy climbing stunt and focusing more on the hobby that these shoes were made for than on the body of a naked man?

I am beginning to think perhaps the men executives for all of these companies might be gay...or related, or gay and related or gay and in a relationship with each other or perhaps gay and all part of the same swingers club. Another instance of male targeting in all the wrong ways - this ad I found a few weeks ago I believe in one of the traveling mags on the airplane. Love the logo Gravity Defyer. Like you could not have picked something else besides the shape of a sperm to get your point across? Does running bring up the sperm count or something?

And why are all these ads leaving me wondering what the hell it is that the advertiser is trying to say to me with ads like these? That's not good. Isn't the point of advertising to make your target audience excited about your product and make you want to go out and buy it? So who are you targeting exactly? Do you think I want to be caught dead with spermies on my shoes or buying my guy a bottle of cologne with a nutsack staring back at him when he pulls it out of the box? I don't think so. And I can't really see a mom or dad buying these for their son, a sister for a brother, a girl for a guy or any other human combination except for two gay guys. If my guy pulled that cologne out of the box on Christmas morning in front of my family or during a birthday celebration with friends around, he would have a friggin heart attack!

So, the further I flipped through the magazine, the more I was amazed with wonder. Wondering how the hell I was going to smuggle these damn ads home so I could photograph them and write something about the 'shell shock' that I got from looking through a men's mag at the doctor's office. Another ad/sign to add to my "Here's Yer Sign" collection. Something interesting to talk about, something to write about on my blog. Well, here ya go. A mix of my stolen advertising pics and the ramblings of a crazy old marketing bitch looking for her next photo fix :)

That's all the babbling I think I will do for tonight peeps. I'll see you next time at the oriental massage parlor, when I go for my next rub n squirt, wearing my spermies or toe shoes and smelling like one hot sack of nuts.

Cheers!